Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When are your genitals available?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
