I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
