My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
