went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
