i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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