it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
