Your face is a jimmy john
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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