My room smells like vodka and shame
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
