Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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