I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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