WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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