so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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