Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
