my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
