Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
