is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
