Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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