just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
