Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
