he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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