someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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