i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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