we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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