my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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