no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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