apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
