wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
