I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
