Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
