so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
