i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
