How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
