If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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