im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
