She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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