That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
