A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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