I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
