It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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