Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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