Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
