I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
