Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
