i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I need moral support for this bender
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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