I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
