glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
