I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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