He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
