I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
