people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
