Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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