Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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