I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
