At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
