This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
