Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
