dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
