These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
