So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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