I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
