I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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