thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
