my shit smells like andre
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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