Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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